I Thought I Was Driven. I Was Just Trying to Be Noticed.

In one of my previous group conversations, someone said something that stopped me mid-thought: "Sometimes, I think I'm just trying to prove something to the 7-year-old me."

That one sentence made all of us pause. Because somewhere underneath, I think we all knew it was true.

I'd been pushing myself a lot around that time — working late, saying yes to everything, always trying to prove I was capable of more. I told myself I was just being "driven." That word had done a lot of covering up.

Then one evening, sitting with that comment still in my head, it hit me differently than I expected. I wasn't chasing growth. I was chasing a feeling I'd missed as a kid — being acknowledged, being noticed for something without having to ask for it.

That realization didn't make anything instantly easier. If anything, it made a lot of my "drive" look a little different in hindsight — less like ambition, more like an old, quiet request that had never really been answered.

I don't know exactly when I started answering that request with overwork instead of just naming it. I'm not sure most people do. It's not the kind of thing that arrives with a memory attached — more like a habit that was already running by the time I noticed it.

I still catch myself doing it now — reaching for one more task, one more yes, half hoping someone notices. I don't think that instinct is gone. I just recognize it a little faster than I used to, and sometimes that's enough to ask myself what I'm actually chasing before I say yes again.